Saturday, September 7, 2013

The Candy

circa early 1990's

I am in a rowboat or canoe with my older brother. The water is cool and calm around me. We are paddling down the river while the current pushes us along. He gives me some candy to eat; it is like Pop Rocks, the candy that crackles in your mouth. The candy is sweet and melts on and around my tongue. We float on down the river, peaceful. 

All of the sudden I feel a terrible pang in my stomach. I lean my head over the side of the boat so that I can throw up. The pain is unreal. I am throwing up shards of glass by the millions. They pierce my esophagus and cut my gums and tongue as they pass from my mouth. I can't stop. I am bleeding profusely as bigger chunks of glass begin to come up from the depths. 

Where did it come from? Why is this happening to me? The candy. It was the candy! I pull my head up from the side of the boat as pints of blood swarm in the water around us. Through my blood-soaked face I see my brother sitting across from me in the boat. He is laughing. He did it on purpose.


This dream confused me for many years because I actually have close and loving relationship with my brother. Now I understand this was my mind's way of trying to communicate the betrayal I had suffered at the hands of my abuse. He, too, endeared himself to me with closeness. My brother is simply a representation of the monster who comforted me during a tumultuous time in my childhood. The Wolf was keen to gain my trust to garner closeness before and through the moments of betrayal... the ultimate path to endearment and confusion for a child who desperately needed to be loved.

Broken glass is a theme within my mind's pain. This will reappear several time in my blog, particularly in my post Married to Crazy.

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